Tough Love

Tough Love

Tough love means taking a stand and holding fast. Setting limits and expectations is the most loving thing we can do for our children, even if it means that we cause them discomfort. It does not mean that we are solving the family problems by throwing our kids out on the street. Tough love means support and an end to isolation. It avoids the blame game and deals with the here and now, not the past. It is action-oriented. It’s built on education support and an end to shame and isolation. It is developed to give us the tools to succeed in a media-driven world that has produced sophisticated and entitled teens. It will show us how to change our actions to achieve successful outcomes.

It offers a road map to our ideal home. Teenager excuses all of their behavior by blaming someone or something else. When we are in crisis, we feel worried, crazy, anxious, angry, insecure, overwhelmed, and failed. We might have tried everything to change the situation: cleaned up messes, prayed silently, isolated ourselves, blamed others, abused our teenager, enabled them. But this is not the solution and is not going to change anything. We need to step out of denial. Don’t let painful feelings make us helpless; all we need is to go into effective action mode.

Tough Love

We need to assess our problem and stop behaviors that do not work, start new behaviors, and develop a supportive network. It is tough being a parent and admitting that you don’t know what to do, tough to give up shame, guilt, and blame, but tough love works. By changing our behavior, we will regain control and achieve our goals. The main key to success and authority is enforcement. Without enforcement, a family operates under rules that leave room for children to grab the authority.

We need to stop saying yes and instead learn to create safe and enforceable limits by saying no with real love. Tough love parents learn to make small weekly changes using the stand, bottom lines, plans, and support program. Taking stands and setting bottom lines work. A stand is a long-term goal you want to reach, one that can take some time to accomplish. The bottom lines are the small action steps you will take for one week as a means through which to reach your stands.

Value of Stands Most often in tough love, parents who seek professional help for the treatment of their addicted child assume that the professionals will fix the problem. After seeking the treatment, the patient has to go back to the family. There are chances that the patient’s interaction at home and the availability of drugs in the surroundings can ruin the efforts of the professionals altogether. In order to maintain the recovery, the family needs to follow certain standards.

These Stands Can Be Categorized in to Three Classes

Red Stands

Red Stands

It holds great importance for the parents and is difficult to comply with for the patient. They can create crises if not implemented with therapeutic planning. There are four red stands:

  • Not showing the rude behaviors
  • No smoking/ drugging
  • No slippery friends and places
  • Not quitting the follow-ups.
Yellow Stands

Yellow Stands

These are relatively less important than red stands. Showing compliance to these standards is difficult for the patient, but the crisis as a result of it is not very intense. For example, asking them to take their meals on time, assigning them small household responsibilities such as grocery shopping, pick and drop, etc.

Green Stands

Green Stands

These are the lowest in intensity, and these are the easiest to follow. For example, asking the patients to invite their friends for dinner, asking them to watch a particular show, asking them to get you a glass of water, etc.