Why Shame Can Both Help and Hurt Self-Control
Shame is often discussed as a motivator for self-control, especially in situations like managing weight or resisting unhealthy habits. But is shame truly the key to changing behavior? Research suggests that the real drivers are emotions we anticipate, such as pride, regret, or remorse, which subtly shape our choices and push us toward better decisions.
The Role of Anticipated Emotions in Self-Control
Anticipated emotions are pivotal in achieving goals. Visualizing the sense of pride after resisting a tempting dessert or quitting smoking can strengthen willpower. These moments of foresight allow us to align our current decisions with the future we want for ourselves. Similarly, the worry about possible regret or the fear of social judgment can nudge us toward more responsible behaviors, like being cautious in risks or using protection in relationships. These internal anticipations are powerful, often more so than the fleeting intensity of shame.
The Use of Social Shaming as a Deterrent
Communities and organizations sometimes use public shaming to discourage undesirable actions. For instance, in New York’s Chinatown, shoplifters are displayed on a “wall of shame.” Similarly, Chicago law enforcement releases the names and photos of individuals caught soliciting prostitution. Evidence shows that for some, the fear of public embarrassment can be a stronger deterrent than legal consequences such as fines or jail terms. The thought of being exposed shakes a deep social instinct—our need to belong and be accepted.
The Downside of Actual Shame
While the anticipation of shame might stop someone from making a poor decision, experiencing shame after a mistake often has the opposite effect. Deep shame can spiral into hopelessness, leading to actions that repeat or worsen the original problem.
For example:
- Gamblers feeling ashamed of their losses often try to win the money back, digging themselves deeper into trouble.
- Those ashamed of binge drinking may drink even more the next day.
This cycle, known as the “what-the-hell” effect, causes people to abandon their initial goals entirely. Research by Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman shows that dieters overwhelmed by guilt over a small lapse often give up entirely, resulting in even bigger setbacks. This effect is not just limited to dieting—it also impacts smokers, alcoholics, overspenders, and others attempting to manage destructive impulses.
Breaking the Shame Cycle with Self-Compassion
The key to breaking this cycle lies not in avoiding mistakes altogether but in responding to them with self-compassion rather than harsh criticism. When shame turns into guilt and hopelessness, individuals may feel stuck in a downward spiral. Instead of focusing on failure, cultivating self-kindness and understanding fosters resilience and encourages a return to healthier behaviors.
Research repeatedly emphasizes that self-compassion is far more effective than self-criticism. By recognizing mistakes as part of the human experience and choosing compassion, we can learn and grow without being overwhelmed by guilt.
Conclusion
Shame can influence behavior, but it is not a reliable tool for long-term self-control. True growth comes from fostering self-compassion and self-awareness. These qualities help us make sustainable changes while reducing the damaging effects of guilt and hopelessness.
For those seeking to build healthier habits and break free from destructive cycles, professionals like the experts at Willing Ways Islamabad are available to guide you. They can help you develop effective strategies to create lasting, positive change.