Toxic shame, a deep-rooted feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy, is a permeating emotional state that can immensely impact a person’s psychological health and behaviour. In the book “Healing the Shame that Binds You,” John Bradshaw delves into the devastating effects of toxic shame and its significant connection to substance abuse. In this article, we will explore the nature of toxic shame, its foundations, and how it commonly leads individuals to seek comfort in substances, ultimately locking them in a cycle of addiction.
Defining toxic shame:
Toxic shame is distinct from healthy shame, which serves as a moral compass and guides individuals in understanding the consequences of their actions and behaviours. Healthy shame encourages growth, humility, and the potential to learn from mistakes. In contrast, toxic shame is not tied to a particular action or event; instead, it becomes an intrinsic part of an individual’s identity. People who suffer from toxic shame tend to internalize a belief that they are radically flawed, unworthy, and unlovable. This prevalent sense of self-hate can lead to several psychological issues, including depression, anxiety, and, as Bradshaw highlights, substance abuse. Bradshaw proclaims that toxic shame is often rooted in the stems of childhood, where it deeply manifests through a variety of forms such as emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, neglect, or unrealistic expectations imposed by parents or caregivers. When children are shamed for how they feel, think, and behave, which makes them feel inherently bad, they begin to develop a toxic internal narrative. This narrative can move into adulthood, manifesting as a profound sense of inadequacy and a staggering need to hide one’s perceived flaws from others.
The Link Between Toxic Shame and Substance Abuse:
The relationship between toxic shame and substance abuse is particularly subtle but has harmful effects. Individuals struggling with toxic shame often experience extreme emotional pain, which they may not know how to manage or express healthily. Bradshaw points out that people who feel confined by shame may turn to a variety of different substances, drugs, or even foods as a way to shut down their emotional pain. These substances provide only temporary relief from the extreme feelings of shame and unworthiness while creating a false sense of comfort and escaping with long-term and dangerous consequences. However, this escape is short-lived, and the individual soon faces the reality of their circumstances, often composed of a mixture of guilt and shame associated with substance use. The cycle is self-perpetuating: toxic shame drives the individual to use substances to cope, but the substance use then worsens the feelings of shame, leading to further use. Over time, this cycle can become deeply entrenched, making it extremely difficult for the individual to break free without any intervention.
What role do denial and secrecy play?
A crucial aspect of the relationship between toxic shame and substance abuse is the role of denial and secrecy. Bradshaw highlights that those who suffer from toxic shame often go to discrete lengths to tuck away their perceived flaws and weaknesses from other individuals. This secrecy extends to their substance use, as they may feel deep shame about their dependency on drugs or alcohol. The fear of being judged or rejected by others can cause these individuals to hide their addictions, which may not only isolate them further but also stop them from seeking any kind of help. Denial is a defence mechanism, another dominant force at play. Many individuals with toxic shame are unable or unwilling to acknowledge the extent of their emotional pain or the severity of their substance use. This defence mechanism protects them from the intolerable reality of their circumstances. However, it also pulls them back from confronting the root causes of their addiction and seeking the support they need to heal.
Healing from Toxic Shame, Breaking the Cycle:
Bradshaw’s Healing the Shame That Binds You offers an extensive and detailed approach to breaking the cycle of toxic shame and substance abuse. Central to his approach is the idea that healing requires individuals to come face-to-face and process their shame rather than concealing or denying it. The process of breaking the cycle includes recognizing the origins of their shame, understanding how it shapes their identity and behaviours, and gently replacing the toxic internal narrative with a healthier, more empathetic view regarding themselves. One of the most important aspects of healing from toxic shame is to create a sense of self-awareness and self-compassion. Individuals must learn to identify their negative thought patterns and behaviours that are rooted in their shame and to confront and challenge these patterns with kindness and empathy. It is important to understand that it can be a difficult and agonizing process, as it requires coming face to face with their long-buried emotions and memories. However, it is essential for breaking the cycle of shame and addiction. Therapeutic interventions, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), group therapy, and 12-step programs, can be of great value in this healing journey. These interventions provide individuals with the tools and support they need to address their shame and addiction in a safe and structured environment. In particular, 12-step programs emphasize the importance of community and accountability, helping individuals break through the isolation and secrecy that often accompany toxic shame and substance abuse.
Conclusion:
Toxic shame is a powerful and destructive force that can drive individuals into the depths of substance abuse. As John Bradshaw exemplifies in Healing the Shame That Binds You, the cycle of shame and addiction is difficult to break but not impossible. By recognizing and confronting their toxic shame, individuals can begin the process of healing and recovery. Through self-awareness, self-compassion, and the support of therapeutic interventions, it is possible to overcome toxic shame and reclaim a sense of self-worth, leading to a life free from the chains of addiction. Mariam Saeed Clinical Psychologist, Willing Ways Lahore.
Written By:
- Mariam Saeed
- Clinical Psychologist
- Willing Ways Lahore